This is a mystery i wrote when i was little, what do you think? (this is one full chapter)
constructive criticism please
“I can’t believe your parents are taking us to Florida!” exclaimed Gabrielle, as she packed a light blue shirt into her suitcase. “Gab, you’ve known about the trip for two weeks now! Mom and dad said that you’re like a second daughter to them, so of course they would invite you to come!” said Autumn.
It was summer vacation and the girls were in Gabrielle’s room getting ready for the vacation they’d be going on the next day. “I know, but I still can’t believe that my parents would even let me go, let alone pay for me and give me extra money for souvenirs!!!” replied Gabrielle. Mrs. Tezsula, Gabrielle’s mom, was a very strict woman. But after talking to Autumn’s parents, she had decided to let her come along to Florida with them. “Okay, I’m finished packing. Let’s go downstairs and get something to eat.”
The two girls walked into the kitchen and Autumn pulled her long, dark red, wavy hair back into a pony tail, while Gabrielle got a snack from the fridge. “Do you want an apple or an orange?” asked Gabrielle, as she closed the fridge door and walked over to the table with a bowl of fruit. “I’ll take an apple, please” answered Autumn, taking a seat at the small, round table.
After the girls ate their snacks, they brought Gabrielle’s bags over to Autumn’s house next door, and started up the stairs towards her room. “Autumn, your father and I are going to the store to buy some groceries to bring with us in the car,” Mrs. Leeves yelled up, “Will you two be all right while we’re gone?” “Yes mom, we’ll be fine!” replied Autumn, “You know, if we took a plane like normal people, we wouldn’t have to worry about things like getting gas and food!” Mrs. Leeves answered, “You come up with the money, and then we’ll consider a plane!”
The girls heard the front door close and the family SUV pull out of the driveway. “I wish we could just take a plane, driving there will take almost two days compared to the two hours it would take on a plane!” Autumn complained to Gabrielle. “Well at least we are finally getting to go somewhere exciting! Honestly, I don’t care how we get there, as long as we’re getting out of this boring place.” exclaimed Gabrielle
Gabrielle had been Autumn’s best friend ever since she had moved into the house next door, four years back. Since they were always together, their parents considered each other family.
The girls walked into Autumn’s room, and took a seat on her bed. While Autumn started packing, Gabrielle looked around the room. The walls were a light green color, and were covered with pictures that had been taken while on vacations. Autumn loved photography and nature, but she also loved to solve mysteries. Ever since she was a little girl, she would help people find things they had lost, and as she got older, she started to solve more serious crimes. Before long, she was well known for her incredible talent as a detective.
It was more of a hobby than a career though, because her true dream was to become a zoologist and care for animals in their natural habitats. Detective work was just one of the things she did in her spare time. Though lately, mysteries seemed to be finding her everywhere she went.
Gabrielle on the other hand was more into sports. She was the captain on her soccer team at East Ridge High, and she was also in track. Despite her long, slender frame, she was very strong and energetic. Her hair was short, brown and curly and it brought out her light brown eyes. Besides sports, she loved to act and sing. She usually got the lead parts in school plays and good solos during choir. Because of her friendly personality, she had a lot of friends and got along with almost everyone she met.
By the time Autumn had finished packing, her parents were back and it was time for dinner. The girls came down to the kitchen to find a pepperoni pizza waiting for them on the counter. “Thanks dad!” exclaimed Autumn, as she sat down to eat, Gabrielle beside her. “Thanks,” said Gabrielle, “And thanks for letting me come with you!” Mr. Leeves nodded a welcome and sat down.
“So, do you girls have everything packed and ready? We’re leaving early tomorrow morning around seven.” announced Mrs. Leeves. “Yeah, everything’s packed.” replied Autumn, grabbing another slice of pizza.
After dinner was over, the girls helped clean up and then went over to the living room to watch a movie. “What kind of movie do you want to watch?” asked Autumn, pointing to the DVD’s piled up beside the television. “Autumn, everyone knows how much you love those mystery movies, so put in whatever you want! It’s your house, I’ll watch what you watch.” replied Gabrielle.
Autumn laughed and grabbed her favorite movie, ‘Inspector Heinzwick’ and popped it into the DVD player. As much as she loved solving mysteries herself, she also loved watching them. She could easily pick up on the
Wow, you were a good writer for a kid. I was writing stories when I was little too and they were way shorter.